I’m sitting in the engineering library procastinating starting the homework I have due in my CS artificial intelligence class. I’m reading The Street Lawyer by John Grisham (one of my many favorite authors) and looking up laptops for my sister. I’m thinking about her, what went on this weekend, what’s been going on since our second meeting in February, and attempting to analyze my feelings for her.
In doing so, I came to a startling conclusion, perhaps I’m in love. Perhaps. Not counting her, I’ve met exactly two women this year that this 24 year old engineering PhD student thought had long term potential. I go out, I flirt, and sometimes it may seem that I’m only looking for someone to hook up with. Though honestly, that’s not the case.
In undergrad, this would be easier. I was involved in organizations, classes, things where I had consistent contact and interaction with attractive women. If I was interested in someone and she was single and found me liking, over enough time, something could have happened, especially if I was actively pursuing. I spent though most of my undergrad in a relationship. And graduation sounded the death toll of it. We were moving in opposite directions, the top schools for our majors in different cities, and ultimately, our relationship goals, both short and long term just were not compatible, at least, not enough to survive the two or three years before we’d be in sych.
Perhaps I’m in love. I met her at a new years party at her place. Nice view of the city, friendly roomates, she was a friend of my best friend’s brother. She was attractive, but busy being host. I was interested, but found someone else to chat with, so didn’t see much of her. Then February, again out celebrating a birthday of another of said brother’s friends. She’s there. We chat. We flirt. I flirt with other girls, she comes and interrupts me. Almost every single time. I’m intrigued. I like her. A lot. She’s cute, she’s attractive, she’s interesting, she’s in engineering.
We turn the conversation to birthdays, I tease her about her age, she’s just turned 23. A year younger than me. My best friend notices what’s going on. Cautions me about getting involved with friends of friends. But then, I already knew if I went after her, it wasn’t for just a quick hookup, I already had an inkling.
After a couple weeks, an opportunity presents itself for me to get her number with the blessing of best friend’s brother, who I’m hanging out with for a weekend. She calls me the night I get back. We chat, make plans to hang out. We do – with other friends present. Each time, we go to the dance floor, encourage our friends to go dance with other people, then return to each other. There’s not as much flirting these times with everyone else around, but on the dance floor, its as if we’re in our own little world.
We don’t get out together as much as I’d like. Every other week, she calls or texts to find out what I’m up to that weekend. Every other weekend, I happen to be out of town. The weekends I’m available, she’s not. Frustrating. And tantalizing is the time we do manage together.
I go out with her and some of her friends, get to know them. One evening I finally make a move. She doesn’t respond, but that’s a response in and of itself. A week later, I have a chat with best friends brother and get the official line. A few weeks later we chat, we hang out. The next few times, it’s a bit awkward, but slowly, we start to flirt again, make plans that never materializes.
Then, Saturday night, I send her a text, “What are you up to?”. She replies. I reply back. 90 minutes later, she joins me and a friend at my favorite spot. We talk, we flirt. We try to make each other a bit jealous, almost testing the hold we have over each other. I’d tried to tell myself I was over her. That she just wants to be friends. All my friends (female) tell me that. My friend that was with us tonight, without benefit of knowing much of anything about our history cautions me. Yet. No matter what my head says, what my friends say, I can’t.
I cannot. I feel like I need a resolution. I need a clear cut conversation with her where the result is clear “not interested in a relationship”. At the moment, I’m still hesitant to bring it up. I’m stupidly looking for some sign. Signs are probably there. Either way. Heck, my friends have already deciphered writing on the wall. I know how I feel. I’m pretty sure she knows some of what I still feel. But, and this, probably shows how deep I’m in (as if creating this blog does not), I don’t care.
If it’s does not get resolved, if we stay in this limbo, I’d still be happy. Or perhaps this shows that I don’t care enough. It’s just a nagging infatuation. Because, if I truely wanted her. I’d do something. I’d actually approach her. And request a response. In unconditional terms. From her, in person.
But I’m scared, I think I’m in love, but I’m scared.
